im very glad that u guys read my journals and support me. it makes me feel better since i dont have anyone in real life to listen to my problems. i like venting my problems out and reading ur comments ^^ it makes me feel that im not alone. so i'll continue to write these journals until im outta this depression.


i feel like theres always a problem after problem for me. i struggle with a class in school then i find a way to get through it.. then theres another class to struggle with.. then i study for an hr for a quiz but fail it and ask myself "is it my fault?" or is it the teacher that isnt telling the class everything? then i sulk and feel very bad and cant move on until i find another opportunity to raise that grade. some people may find it silly that i NEED an A, so many other people are struggling to pass but i just have to have the A. if i dont it's just very uncomfortable.. very odd.. like i lost myself just cuz i dont have straight As. Im asian so thats my excuse. ive been expected to get those As and if i didnt my parents would punish me. now they dont really care about me, im pretty much a failure to them. but if i dont get As i'll just punish myself. mentally tho.. i cant help but feel like crap.

then.. im getting really fed up with my skin and hair. especially my skin. no matter what i cant get my stupid pimples and blackheads to go away. if i exfoliate it just worsens them and if i leave them alone they are still there -_- i think i may have to buy the expensive stuff.. like clinque cuz the cheap walmart stuff isnt helping me. i switched to a 13$ shampoo the other day and now my hair feels soo much better. no more 4$ shampoos for me. i feel so crappy.. maybe buying some skin products that will give my some hope will make me feel better...

my grandparents came from china to live with us.. AGAIN. they are staying for at least 6 months.. probably more.. who knows.. but i dont like it.. i try my best to avoid them. everyday i come home from school and go upstairs and stay upstairs... then i sleep... i wake up at 11:00pm and do my hw and wait for everyone to go asleep.. then finally eat my dinner, and then sleep again. i cant speak good chinese and my parents make fun of my chinese.. so i refuse to say anything but "yes and no". my grandparents have a werid old ppl smell. i dont like. i have to hold my breath when passing their room.. which of course, is right next to mine. and at night when i sleep they have to wake up every hr or so to use the bathroom.. and the creaking door wakes me up. my grandparents are really nice people.. but im very stubborn.. and very sad.. so i dont feel like doing any human interaction.

i wonder how long will it take for columbia college to decide whether to accept me or not. cuz im stressing out. i NEED that college to say yes. the sooner the better. i dont want to stress out anymore.

my psychaitrist cant do anything about me. if i dont talk he thinks everything is jolly.. he doesnt give me advice.. just leeches the money. i dont want to major in psych anymore.. its such a nasty job, only caring about money and not even children who are suffering.


but on a happy tune.. i was told that i was Hot yesterday ^^ as i was getting napkins in the school cafeteria a tall, skinny, white boy came really close to me and said "ur hot" and then turned around to get ketchup. i really needed that.. after failing a quiz, dealing with family changes, and stress it really cheered me up. my self esteem sucks so i feel just a bit better about my body now. thank you random boy who i'll never see again lol.